Three months.

I have a lot to say about Ukraine. That will come once I find the words.

Words are difficult, though.

But I will jot down some feelings in the last week here, and where I feel I'm going as a person.

A bit of soul-baring, if you will.

The past three months have been difficult in so many ways, but the rewards have always surpassed these difficulties in plenty. I wanted to find myself in a better light, but what I ended up finding was different than what I hoped for. But better that what I could imagine.
I found a sense of belonging in a place where my roots grew before I was born. A sense of culture and heritage. A language that felt like the comfort and pitter-patter of a prairie rainstorm. I found these things and they became a part of me that I will always have here.
And I found that I didn't know what I want to do with my creativity and talent and eagerness to learn and travel. That I'm still figuring it out and that this is okay. It's a process. I've accepted this with open arms. Three months ago I felt lost because of it. Now, I feel like it's the start of an adventure in itself.

I haven't found a way to fully love myself again after what happened this year, by feeling like all of the love I had was pulled away from me. But I have found that I accept myself as I am and this is a wonderful start. I cannot stress how much happiness this makes me feel.
I can accept myself. This is good.

Something amazing I did find was laughter. So much laughter. I found rock-solid friendships and laughter that melted away sadness like fire on ice. The laughter found me in wonderful places. It found me on dorm room floors, with bottles of beer and music of new friends. It found me in absurd cultural situations that pushed me out of my comfort zone. It found me in the loving and supportive messages from friends and family back home. It found me in videos of my nephew. It found me in the needles of a new tattoo, surrounded by smiling friends. It found me in the streets of Krakow, dancing across the cobblestones behind me as I raced through the night with young hedonists on pub crawls. Laughter spoke with accents and warm hugs with eyes sparkling and giggles echoing off of empty vodka bottles. Laughter was new again.

It was the first time in Krakow that I well and truly laughed and forgot about any remnants of pain or sadness. I laughed until tears ran down my face. I stumbled the streets with new friends who felt like old friends and old friends who felt like exciting new ones. I sat on a clock tower's steps, with arms of new friends wrapped around my shoulders... with such comfort in feeling okay. That I was okay. That I didn't feel the guilt of cheating myself out of some sort of pain. That I could smile and feel the space where that anger and pain used to be. And it was good.

I have so many things to say, so many poems to finish, so many letters to write and emails to reply to and so many new adventures to be had in the next three weeks. So I'll leave it somewhat abruptly at that.

Laughter really is the best medicine.